1. Codependency Healing is About You, Not Other People There is a myth that deceives codependents the world over, which is that our codependency issues are caused by our deficiencies in relationships with other people. This myth, though rampant, is highly misleading and will prevent us from healing our codependency in a deep way. The reason this myth has persisted in codependency literature and resources is because the symptoms of codependency do affect our ability to have healthy and satisfying relationships dramatically. Often, the symptoms get confused with the cause, and this is one of those cases. In reality, codependency is not caused by our relationship difficulties, but by a lack of relationship with ourselves. This lack of knowing and connecting with ourselves inwardly causes us to feel a deep void within ourselves. The inner void isn’t a void per se but a disconnect from our true, inner self.

Our inner self is our soul, or spirit self, if you will. It is the spiritual, eternal and energetic us that is resident within the core of our being. It is the us we are really here to know. And this inner us has all the information we need about our true identity, our innate worth and value, our life’s purpose and our destiny.

We must all possess a healthy sense of self and self-worth. These are innate needs that must be satisfied if we are to live healthy, happy, and satisfying lives. Unfortunately, the methods and direction of the quest for these needs for most people is directed outward toward the world and others. This is the codependency trap – we are stuck in patterns of trying to get from the outside, what we can only get from within.

Indeed, we can only find self-identity, self-worth, self-esteem, and self-approval from self. Any attempt to obtain these outside of ourselves will only leave us empty and needing more. Hence the term co-dependency. We have become dependent on people and the external world of achievements, accomplishments, and physical attributes to define us and hold up our worth. And since they cannot possibly succeed in doing so, we become trapped in this vicious cycle.

In this resource, I will be giving you various principles that will help you heal your codependency issues, but none will work for you unless you understand the foundation. And this is the foundation of codependency healing: You must begin to have a deep, intimate and loving relationship with yourself. This relationship with self, I have found, is the most neglected relationship by far.

So how do you begin to have a relationship with yourself? There are many aspects to this relationship. But the nature of our relationship with ourselves does not differ much from that of our relationships with others. We nurture it in similar ways, with the main distinction that we have more of a responsibility toward ourselves than we do toward others.

In my view, relationship with ourselves is a lot like self-parenting. Like a good parent, we start taking good care of ourselves. We start wanting the best for ourselves. We learn to be kind, patient and compassionate toward ourselves. We begin to enjoy our own company. We begin making better choices for ourselves, as we would for those we love.

Also, we turn inward. We learn to connect more with our body through meditation, yoga, exercise, and breathe work. These are powerful things that bring our energy into our bodies, where our true self lives. And in so doing, we begin to establish a deeper connection from within. We begin to learn to live in the present moment, because higher self is always in the here and now.

We learn to love and accept ourselves radically because we are worthy of that. And we need it in order to thrive. We stop judging ourselves by external measures of worth. We find that our true, innate worth and value come from within our beings, and they are uncompromisable and unconditional. We begin the journey of self. We start living our authentic lives. We stop trying to please everyone all the time. We find our voice in life. We learn to live our truth.

The inner journey of self is so beautiful, so powerful, so amazing that I can go on and on about it. For now, though, I just want to whet your appetite to what you can begin to discover as you dig deep within yourself and get to know YOU in a whole new way. This is the journey your inner self has been beckoning you to begin, to turn your attention inward and let who you are be enough.

But you must choose to begin, dear traveler. Until you do, it will not begin. It will wait for you. It has been waiting for you. It’s what you have been waiting for. It’s what you have been needing. Trust me. It is the road down which everything you have been desiring can be found. So, settle in. And don’t be in a hurry. There is no rush. It will take your entire lifetime and then some to find all the treasures resident within you. So, my advice, take the pressure off and just enjoy it. Afterall, it’s all about you. And who doesn’t love that?

2. Codependency Healing is About Radical Self-love and Acceptance When I was 26 years old, I was engaged to my boyfriend of seven years. It was a very toxic and unstable relationship; however, I could never find the strength to let go. That was until he ended our relationship in a very cruel way four days before our wedding. It was a traumatic experience, no doubt. But as painful as it was, it was the catalyst to a new beginning in my life, although, of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t realize how much that relationship was holding me down. It was miraculous how almost immediately after I accepted the ending – and actually embraced it – my life started changing for the better. And that change started when I found the courage to take stock of my life and all that had led me to that point. Once the dust settled, the first question I asked myself was, “Why did I put up with so much crap for so long?” I didn’t see myself as a weak person, but in that relationship, I was a fool. Thus, asking this question was a very important first step. And the answer began a profound journey that has continued to this day. The answer I received was quite simple, actually. I put up with so much crap because my self-esteem was so low, I believed that was all I could get. In short, I didn’t believe I was worthy of better treatment. As sad as that thought makes me, I am so thankful for the harsh truth. I needed to heal my self-esteem. And that is exactly what I went about doing.

I started by allowing myself to admire my good qualities. Up until that point, I was quick to tell you all that was wrong with me – and at the time it was A LOT – but I couldn’t tell you one positive thing about myself.

And that slight shift in perspective, believe it or not, started to make a big difference. I still had a long way to go, but it gave me the strength and encouragement I needed to move forward. Shortly thereafter I started therapy. Asking for help was a powerful act of self-love when I didn’t have that much to begin with, because God knows I needed it.

In therapy, I started confronting all the self-defeating belief systems that caused me to view myself in a negative light. I dealt with body-image issues, inadequacy fears, inferiority, rejection issues, worthlessness, and so much more. I started learning that part of self-love was self-care. And at that point I had no idea how to take good care of myself because I never felt I was worthy of having a great life.

I started exercising regularly, I started enjoying dressing and putting myself together in fun new ways, I embarked on a spiritual journey, I made it a point to enjoy social outings. All of these were new ways that I was relating to, enjoying and caring for myself.

Then I started having to confront deeper, more destructive issues in my life. I went into Twelve-Step recovery for alcohol abuse, and I got sober. It felt so good to turn my attention toward myself finally. My codependency issues caused me to make my entire life about a man. I was always waiting for Prince Charming to come and whisk me away. Just like Cinderella, I put the responsibility to make me happy and heal the problems in my life on men.

And slowly but surely, I came to love myself – to truly and deeply love myself. And I found I was worthy of being loved. What’s more is that I found that I needed my own self-love and acceptance more than I needed anything else. The lack of it had caused my life to spiral down a road of pain, codependency and addiction. I had been so lost without it. I didn’t need a man. I needed me. I needed to approve of me in the deepest, most fundamental way possible. I needed to be that person for myself who would always have my back. I needed to be my own hero. I needed to succeed for me, not for anyone else.

Self-love and acceptance have healed my life so dramatically, I couldn’t even put it all into words. But I know I would not be where I am today without it.

Self-love has nothing to do with anything external. It has nothing to do with what we look like, the clothes we wear, the partner we have, the neighborhood we live in, the people we know, or the titles we possess. Self-love has to do with understanding our worth and value from an innate perspective, before we entered the world’s checks and balances system for measuring worth. It’s like a newborn baby that hasn’t done a thing to earn love but is so loved, so treasured and so valued just for who she or he is.

That’s true love. And, if you have codependency issues, this is the love you have been needing. It’s available to you in greater measure than you can imagine. It’s all within you, though. The journey is inward. And it is about starting to let go of the unstable crutches you have used in life to uphold your false worth system, which has done you no favors, so you can possess a true, much more stable, worth.

It is the main love you are here to know. And there is no substitute for it. It will gnaw at you until you begin. It will not leave you alone until you turn your attention toward the journey of radical self-love and acceptance. Don’t delay this one more day. It’s the journey of your entire lifetime and it will take you places unimagined.

3. Put an End to Approval Seeking Do you find yourself going to great lengths to get the approval of others? Don’t worry, you are not alone. Because of their inner emptiness and codependency issues, people have sought forever to find their worth in external approval. The only problem is that the price you pay to win the approval of others is often way too high to make it worth it. Approval seeking leads to people-pleasing, inauthenticity, low self-esteem and poor decision-making. People-pleasing is the tendency to do what you believe is expected of you or desired by others, even if it goes against your true wishes. For obvious reasons, it leads to living an inauthentic life, as your decision-making process is constantly steered away from your true needs and wants, to that of others. And it perpetuates your low self-worth, as you sell yourself out time and time again to please others. Indeed, it is a slippery slope. On one end, when you have deep-seeded codependency and self-esteem issues, the disapproval of others can be utterly devastating. On the other end, you are never happy because, more often than not, you end up getting the short end of the stick in relationships. I’d like to help you overcome your obnoxious people-pleasing habit, but first I need to tell you what’s at the heart of people-pleasing and approval seeking. For one, it is not because you actually need people to approve of you to be happy or feel good about yourself. The problem is that you are not happy and don’t feel good about yourself, within yourself. It’s important that you understand what you are really looking for when you seek the approval of others. Quite simply, you are looking for your own approval. In my twenty-one-year healing journey, I have dealt with many of my issues head-on, and my approval seeking problem was no exception. I remember the moment I had a major catharsis in this regard. I was sitting in some sort of codependency meeting. I can’t remember what the speaker was talking about, but I remember the life-changing insight that came to me that day.

This is the thought process as I recall it: Suddenly I realized the true reason I always needed the approval of others. By that point I had grown enough in my spiritual journey that I knew God approved of me through and through. So, it wasn’t some archaic religious fear of condemnation. I had God’s eternal stamp of approval on my existence. So why was it so hard for me to feel approved of in my core? It made sense. What I was looking for was something I could only find within myself – self-approval. I tried to fill that need from others, but it never worked. It could never work, because it wasn’t about them, it was about me.

That day, in my codependency meeting, I understood the solution very clearly. I was missing something vital to happiness and success, and I needed to give myself what I was missing. I needed to learn to radically approve of and accept myself. I needed my own unconditional stamp of approval.

In time, that insight allowed me to become free of people-pleasing and approval seeking for good. Every time I found myself bending over backwards or conforming to get someone else’s approval, discouraged because I didn’t get the validation or praise I was seeking, or even feeling rejected, I’d turn inward, put my hand on my heart, and say to myself, “I approve of me.” I found myself doing that quite often, as you can imagine.

You’d be surprised, as I was, once you start the journey of self-approval, how often you find yourself doing what I call “the dog and pony show” for people. It really is quite sad how desperate we humans are for, and how far we will go, to get the approval and attention of others.

Self-love and self-approval go hand in hand. Because you are learning to truly love yourself, you are also learning to put the responsibility for approval and acceptance in your own hands. This is the beginning of true freedom, as it will not only libertate you from being dishonest with yourself, but it will also allow you to have much more rewarding and honest relationships with others.

It’s truly a win-win. By loving and approving of yourself radically, you are also opening yourself, your life and your relationships to more authentic experiences. And authentic experiences will allow you to find your true path, and your tribe, in life. More on authenticity up next. So, stay tuned, dear one.

4. This Above All, to Thine Own Self Be True
   The Journey of Authenticity

Like the journey of radical self-love, I find the journey of authenticity to be an incredibly beautiful one. Human beings are often referred to as chameleons because we constantly conform and change who we are depending on what others want us to be.

Honestly, I think the first problem is that people don’t know who they are to begin with. The second problem, as discussed in the prior principles, is that we don’t love or approve of ourselves. Third, we are living from the outside-in, instead of from the inside-out.

Living from the outside-in is the codependency problem in action. When we live from the outside-in, in our search for identity, worth and approval, we have all our attention and energy directed outwards, toward people and the world around us.

In order to navigate life on planet earth, humans need to possess a sense of identity. Our identity informs everything from our values and principles, to the way we dress, to the ways we express ourselves, up to our choices in general. Furthermore, the ways we come about obtaining our sense of self are not simple or cut and dry. Especially since the person we have come to know as ourselves thus far, is only a shadow of the true self we have yet to discover.

Thus, there is a deep question being asked in the depth of every one of us, “Who am I really?” This is not a question that can be answered outside of ourselves, by others. Not even our own parents can answer this question for us. And it doesn’t have an easy answer, either. It has many answers, and the quest will lead us down many different paths.

Finding the answer to this question is ultimately our life’s work and is part of what I have come to call, the journey of authenticity. Like the journeys of self-love and healing our codependency, the journey of authenticity is an inwardly directed search for our truth, our voice and our own answers.

It’s powerful because, as we embark on it, we gradually begin to let go of everything we have been told that we are, or have believed that we are, and have just taken at face value. Now we determine we will find out for ourselves. The journey of self-love will inevitably lead us to the journey of authenticity, because when we truly love ourselves, we slowly lose our willingness to be dishonest with ourselves, or anyone else for that matter.

Seeking worth and approval from others for such a long time has left many of us empty and lost. How could we truly know who we are when we have been living for others? How can we be authentic when we have been living dishonestly for so long, lying to ourselves so that we could keep up the charade of pleasing people? How can we make honest decisions when we have been living in service to our codependency for so many years?

The truth is, we can’t. Nor will we begin living fully authentic and honest lives tomorrow. This is also a lifetime journey, but it is one that begins with the decision to start living honestly; to share your voice with the world, whether it wants to hear it or not; to make decisions that are true to you, even if others don’t approve; and to begin to formulate your own opinions of yourself, independent of the opinions of others.

Stop selling out today. Begin the riveting and beautiful journey of authenticity today. It is a road that gets wider and more empowering with every step. Break free from the cookie cutter mentality and step into your powerful uniqueness today. The mold was truly broken with you. Stop trying to be like everyone else and instead be fully and unapologetically YOU.

5. Learn to Live from the Inside-Out I’m sure by now you can see a pattern emerging in my theory for healing codependency — it’s all about the inside! In my view, healing codependency is a spiritual journey to our higher self. What, or who rather, is our higher self? Higher self is just another word for the spirit part of us, or our soul. All these terms mean the same thing but are used differently depending on people’s spiritual backgrounds. I use them all.

So far, I have discussed self-love, self-approval and the journey of authenticity. I have also discussed the fact that our codependency issues are not about our relationships with others, as much as they are about a lack of relationship with ourselves.

All these things have to do with learning to live from the inside-out. In the previous principle, I discussed that living from the outside-in is having our attention and energy directed outwards, toward people and the world around us in search for identity, self-worth, happiness, etc. Unfortunately, this is what the world teaches us to do.

And it is not entirely wrong. In the early childhood years, it is our environment that gives us vital information about who we are, where our talents and gifts lie, what our worth is, and what we can expect from life and the world. This would be great if we were all raised by awakened conscious parents, who could ultimately direct us inward toward our true selves. Unfortunately, most families are dysfunctional in some way, and few people relatively speaking are awakened to a higher consciousness.

Thus, in lieu of an alternative, we have been steered toward outside-in living. Ultimately, though, life wants to steer us inward, toward our inner spiritual self.

We are living two simultaneous experiences as humans. The outer journey of relationships, ambitions, possessions, adventures, and the like, is wonderful. It’s just not the main or primary journey for the human being.

Every human being is made up of three God-given parts – a physical body (the outermost level), a psyche and personality (the central level), and a soul (the innermost level). Living from the inside-out is learning to connect inwardly with our soul. It’s about turning our energy toward our inner self in search of answers, identity, fulfillment, and happiness.

We will not experience completeness until we have awakened to this deeper, spiritual part of ourselves. It’s a version of ourselves that exists at a much higher consciousness. Whereas we have work to do as humans in this life, our soul also has work to do in order to evolve. Living from the inside-out is breaking free from living for solely superficial pursuits and working to experience more esoteric but deeper realities.

Socrates is quoted as having said, “…for I know one thing… that I know nothing.” The journey of life is not about finding all the answers; it’s simply about learning a bit more each day. We will never know everything. At least not on this plain of existence. There is just too much to learn. It’s the seeking that matters.

Through the inner journey, we discover who we really are from an innate and spiritual perspective. Within our being, we each have deep wells of knowledge, wisdom and self-love. God is also found within. This is what I call the God-self connection and is the only true way of establishing an intimate and personal relationship with God.

The inner journey is vast and deep, though not inaccessible. In fact, it is quite accessible. Like the other journeys I have discussed, it just requires a beginning and a turning inward. Meditation is a big key, as it raises our consciousness and allows us to begin pulling back the curtain on the spiritual realm. Beginning the self-love journey is another major key. Connecting with our body through exercise, yoga and breathe work are also powerful ways we connect.

This connection is vital for health and wellbeing. I believe the disconnect from our inner selves to be a major reason for the epidemic of medical and mental ailments that plague humanity. When we begin to connect internally, we also begin to align all parts of ourselves together into one whole united being. This alignment also brings healing, because the inner connection plugs us into to the divine power resident within all of us to heal, thrive and find our purpose.

Entire books can be written about this inner connection and all the discoveries it leads to. So much so, that I cannot possibly tell you enough in this short writing. But I hope that I have whet your appetite enough that it leads you to want to establish the connection with your true inner self, and that you have realized that you will not find completeness until you begin to live from the inside-out.

There is so much more of you left to discover. And your purpose here, in part, is to discover the treasure that you are from the inside-out. Don’t trade this journey in for any external journey. And don’t worry, establishing an inner journey won’t take anything away from your outer journey. It will only make your outer journey richer, more authentic and more meaningful. So, buckle in and get ready to experience the sublime realities of living from the inside-out.

6. You are not by Yourself; You are with Yourself A common problem among codependent people everywhere is the fear of being alone. They often jump from one relationship to the other, without giving themselves time to grieve or heal. The search for a partner takes priority, in the hopes that it will solve their problems and make them happy. Other codependents just don’t know how to spend time alone. They are uncomfortable in their own skin, thus they keep people around them to buffer them from their own reality. These are all aspects of the same inner problem. As previously discussed, most people have an inner disconnect that causes them to live from the outside-in in search for identity, worth and approval. This inner disconnect causes a chasm within ourselves, and its symptoms are feelings of emptiness, worthlessness and loneliness, to name a few. In addition to the inner disconnect, most people have buried pain and trauma within their beings. Here is a rule about past painful experiences: Everything we bury within ourselves, we bury alive not dead. The subconscious mind has many defensive strategies for keeping painful emotions at bay. But it wasn’t intended for long-term purposes.

The only way to truly heal is to experience what has hurt us, process it and learn to release it. Going through the process of therapy, participating in self-help groups, reading self-help material and embarking on a spiritual journey are all ways that allow us to heal from our past. When we don’t heal, the repressed material remains within us and somehow finds its way out, usually in dysfunctional ways. In addition, repressed material is often experienced as anxiety, especially when you are by yourself or trying to go to sleep.

These are different examples as to why people attempt to run from themselves. The endeavor is quite futile, however, as we can’t very well outrun something that is inside of us.

Perhaps you have heard the adage, “Everywhere you go, there you are.” Well, it’s true. We will never outrun ourselves, so we might as well turn around and face the proverbial music. Wherever you find yourself in life, turn around and confront what you have been avoiding. Face your pain, your loneliness, your worthlessness, your fears, your codependency.

You will never get better by running from everything that is difficult. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that healing is easy, because it is everything but that. But I will tell you that healing is essential to living our best life. Everything within us that we ignore, festers within us and causes problems in our lives of some sort. There is nothing unhealed within us that is neutral in its power to affect us.

If you are lonely, it’s coming from within you. If you find yourself single for whatever reason, don’t try to force a relationship. If no one wants to do anything tonight, don’t scurry to make plans. If you feel isolated or outside looking in for some reason, don’t judge it. Let yourself just be. Indeed, you are not by yourself, you are with yourself.

When you find completeness and enoughness from within, you won’t feel lonely or alone. My journey has caused me to be single, on and off, for much of my adult life. Honestly, I only use the term single for the benefit of this explanation because I do not identify with the term. When I am single, I am me, currently uninvolved with someone romantically. When I am in a relationship, I am me, currently involved with someone romantically. I am not defined by my relationship status one way or the other. I will not be any more me when I am involved with someone than when I am not. And neither will you.

Furthermore, I have found myself to be great company. Not to mention I have a super tight thing going with God. And I have wonderful friends and family members who love me. So, the reality is that I have not been alone for one second of my entire existence.

When people feel lonely, they are looking at their lives with self-pity. “Oh, how depressing; I am all alone. Everyone else has someone but me.” Think about how pathetic it is to view your life that way. And I say this with love because there is nothing pathetic about you or your life.

You are so much more than the people you have around you! Love yourself. Own everything that you are. Enjoy the heck out of your life. Stop looking at the glass half empty. Start viewing your life through a different lens, and you will feel completely differently about yourself. Afterall, it’s your life, and if you don’t live it, no one will.

7. Boundaries Make Relationships Safe I love me my boundaries. I have boundaries in all my relationships because boundaries make relationships safe and satisfying. And a relationship that lacks boundaries is everything but. Boundaries in relationships are invisible lines and barriers between you and others. And they appear in many forms. Boundaries are limits and expectations we set in relationships, that allow people to understand what we need, what we want and what we won’t accept. Boundaries help us maintain our standards in relationships. And they help protect us from people who don’t have boundaries, or who attempt to take advantage of us in some way. Examples of boundaries are, but are not limited to, saying no, asking someone to stop something that bothers or upsets you, asking someone to do something that you enjoy, telling people what you want and need, asking for what you want and need, shutting down aggressive interactions with people, refusing to speak to someone who is verbally attacking you, shutting someone toxic out of your life, addressing conflict in relationships, etc.

Some boundaries are explicitly set, which is evidenced by directly communicating them to another person. But many boundaries are implicitly set, meaning they are actions and adjustments we make within ourselves to protect or take care of ourselves in relationships. Oftentimes, people don’t even know when I am setting a boundary.

Learning to set boundaries in relationships takes practice. And for codependent people, setting boundaries is very uncomfortable. Boundaries are difficult for codependents because they clash with their people-pleasing, irrational guilt, approval seeking, poor self-care and worthlessness.

Codependents often put themselves at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to being happy and having their needs met. They tell themselves it is selfish to get their way but are secretly resentful that they get the short end of the stick. In addition, because they can’t assert themselves, they often resort to passive aggressive and manipulative tactics to attempt to do so.

These indirect methods of relating are more damaging to relationships and to your self-worth than simply setting a boundary or directly asking for what you need and want. And if you are being honest with yourself, your relational weakness makes you miserable. All you have to do is ask yourself if you are happy and satisfied in your relationships. If you answered no, you are responsible for making them happy and satisfying. And boundaries are a big key for that.

The world doesn’t need any more martyrs. You are not helping yourself, or the people in your life, by always allowing them to have their way. That’s not the way life works. We can’t shelter people from their discomfort. We all have to face the things in our lives that bring us trouble. Being the martyr in your relationships is actually preventing the people in your life from growing, because you never make them look in the mirror.

In short, your lack of boundaries is making you unhappy, your relationships unsatisfying and the people in your life complacent. You are worthy, as much as any else is, of being happy. True relationship is two people working together to meet each other’s needs. It’s not you doing all the work. So, stop that now! 

Love yourself and the people in your life enough to practice setting boundaries. At first, it’s like going against the grain, but the more you practice, the easier and more familiar it gets. Remember, when we are trying anything new, it will be uncomfortable at first. Practice is the key to mastery. Decide today that your doormat days are over. Today is a new day, a day to own your power, and right, to set boundaries in your relationships.

8. No is Not a Four-Letter Word

Although saying no is an aspect of boundary setting, I feel it pertinent to discuss it separately. Codependent people really struggle with saying no. They will lend someone their rent money, offer time they don’t have, and put themselves out time and time again, all because they haven’t learned to say no.

No is not a bad word, people. It’s actually a great word. I love that word because my authentic no’s make room for my authentic yes’s. The operative word being authentic, of course.

A huge part of codependency healing is learning to live an authentic life. Saying yes, when you mean no, is being dishonest with yourself and others. One of my favorite quotes on this comes from Act One, Scene Three of Shakespeare’s Hamlet:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Basically, these verses imply that when we are true and honest with ourselves, we are automatically true and honest with others. We don’t do anyone any favors by being dishonest to spare them from getting upset.

We hurt ourselves because we perpetuate our codependency and worthlessness problems. Whenever we go against ourselves, we pay a very high price. Way too high, if you ask me. And we hurt others because the truth is always higher than the lie.

There are a few mindsets that have helped me gain the power to say no when necessary. Number one, I am not the savior of the universe. Second, I am not the end-all, be-all for all people. And third, I am not the only one available.

People are resourceful. When you say no, guess what will happen: They will go to someone else until they find someone who says yes. And if no one says yes, then it’s because they are meant to figure that one out for themselves, and to prevent them from doing that is enabling. (More on enabling in the next principle.)

In addition, when you say no, you are not being selfish, you are being human. It is not possible that you will always be able to say yes. It just isn’t. To have healthy balanced relationships, in which you and others feel satisfied, you must say no at times.

When you become a yes-man, everyone flocks to you for help. You become like a drink of water in the dessert. We teach people how to treat us. And eventually, when you can only say yes, people will take advantage of you. Learning to say no actually begins to teach people to respect and consider you. It shows them that you have boundaries, that you will help when you can, but when you can’t they have to figure something else out.

Again, I repeat, saying no does not make you selfish. It allows you to say yes to what you really want to say yes to. I love being there for people when they really need it. I love opportunities to give to and help others. I love being able to pay it forward and sow love and generosity. These things are rewarding when we do them in balance. They are taxing, however, when we don’t have the right balance. Saying no gives us the balance and allows us to be able to say yes at the right times.

Saying no when you can’t or don’t want to, is another loving thing you do for yourself. You can’t always be at the bottom of the totem pole. Sometimes you get first place too. Making sure that you don’t always get the short end of the stick in relationships is your responsibility. Sure, it is important to have people in your life that respect you enough to know that. But we can’t always go on the honor system. When people don’t get it on their own, our boundaries help them get it.

A word to the wise: When you begin to set boundaries, initially there may be some backlash, especially from people who are used to taking advantage of you. The people who really love and care for you, will ultimately be happy that you are learning to set boundaries for yourself and will learn to respect your boundaries. The ones who ultimately leave your life or resent you because you aren’t always at their disposal, well, they are showing you how they really feel about you. So, no real loss there.

Boundaries not only help keep relationships safe and healthy, but they also weed the ill-intended people out. It’s another win-win. So, say no to your heart’s content. No, no, no. Say it with me. It is not a bad word. It’s a very good word, indeed.

9. We Don’t Do for Others What They Can and Should Do for Themselves If you have read even a little about codependency, then you have heard the term enabling. Enabling is a common term associated with family members of addicts, who shelter the addict from discomfort by protecting them from their consequences, supporting them, covering up their lies, etc. But we don’t have to be involved with addicts to enable people. Enabling is a problem that is far reaching. It has to do in part with not being able to set boundaries, but I won’t get into that here, because I covered boundaries in the last two principles. And people don’t have to be as dysfunctional as addicts to be enabled. They could be your children, your spouse, your coworkers or your friends. They could be people who are loving, giving and kind to you. In fact, they may be enabling you as well. Enabling is essentially doing for others what they can and should do for themselves. It’s a pattern that we’re looking for, by the way. It doesn’t mean that every time you do a good deed for someone you love you are enabling them. We often enable people who are struggling in some way to find their power. And there is nothing wrong with having struggles. I have had to overcome many on my way to healing and success. And I too was enabled by people. And I can tell you for sure that the aspects of my life in which I was enabled were harder to overcome than the ones in which I was not enabled. We all have struggles. And we all must overcome our struggles to actualize, to reach our potential in life. Enablers often look at people struggling with pity. I hate pity. It’s so disempowering. Even when clients in my therapy practice tell me about horrific things that were done to them, I refuse to pity them. I care too much to disempower them in that way. Indeed, if you are looking for pity, don’t come to me.

But if you are looking to be empowered, surely come to me. I will show you that you can do it. I will give you compassion and love, and I will admire you that you are still in the fight. I will catch you when you fall and encourage you to get back up. But I will not pity you, because pity is pitiful.

Our struggles represent victories waiting to happen. They represent mountains we are meant to climb and master. We must face our demons to win. And we can’t shelter anyone we love from having to do that work in their own lives. Even if you have been the best parent in the world, your children will get banged up by this life. And you will not be able to shelter them from their pain. And you can’t do their work for them.

You will emotionally disable them if you try to do so. Whenever I teach on enabling, I like to use the story of the man who was walking through a beautiful forest when he came across a butterfly that was trying to come out of its cocoon. Moved with displaced compassion and pitying the butterfly for its struggle, he decided to “help” it, so he ripped open the cocoon so that it could come out. Well, you may be able to guess what happened next. The butterfly didn’t make it. Why? Because the force that butterflies exert in coming out of their cocoons, is ultimately what gives strength to their wings, enabling them to fly. And a butterfly that can’t fly will shortly die.

Tragic story, I know. But a cautionary tale to loving but misguided people who think they are helping those they love by doing for them what they can and should do for themselves.

Just as with the practice of setting of boundaries, when you begin to practice letting go of enabling, you can expect to get some backlash. At first, the folks you have enabled may be angry. Often that is a form of manipulation to get you to acquiesce. But even if they get mad at you, is remaining in good standing with them worth you continuing to thwart their growth.

I once had a friend who was struggling very badly in life. To help her, I made a decision that I knew would make her really mad at me. I even knew she may never want to be my friend again, but I made it anyway. She didn’t speak to me for a long time, but eventually she came around and thanked me for what I had done, because it essentially saved her life.

These are big girl and big boy decisions to make, for sure. But to heal our codependency we have to stop enabling people. We have to stop trying to do everyone else’s work for them and do our own. At the end of the day, you are just spinning your wheels anyway. People won’t change until they find the power to get themselves out of their own cocoon. Your time would be better spent working to heal your life, being an example to them and letting go so they can figure it out.

Let go and let God. This is a big key for letting go of enabling and putting the power where it can make a difference. Codependency literature often talks about letting go in love. And I would add, letting go for love. It is, after all, the loving thing to do, albeit not the easy thing. Put your trust in God and show the people in your lives that you trust them to be able to figure it out. That will help them so much more than enabling them will.

Stop trying to control everything. Pray for them. Love them from afar if you must. But let go of what’s not yours to hang on to. You can do this. Practice will make it easier with time. But you must start somewhere. With all these principles, a decision must be made to reset and change our course. This is your moment. This is your time. You got this!

10. You are More than You Can Ever Imagine The principles I have discussed in this resource are powerful keys for letting go of everything that is holding you back from living your best life. Remember that I stated that codependency is not about your relationships with others, but about your lack of relationship with yourself. And when you struggle to set boundaries and say no, or when you enable people, it’s not about them either. It’s about you trying to find worth in what you do for others. This, ultimately, is dishonest living. And any amount of self-dishonesty will hold you back. Healing codependency is thus about getting brutally and lovingly honest with yourself about the things you do that hurt you and how you depend on people and the external world to validate your worth.

It takes courage to heal because it takes courage to look within and choose to change. It is definitely not for sissies. Unfortunately, this fear holds so many people back from doing the work they need to do to change their lives. And that makes me so sad.

I have been healing for twenty-one years now, and there have been things that have happened to me in my healing journey, both good and bad, that I could not even put into words. There are also things so deep and personal that I just want to keep to myself. Everything that I have talked about here, I have healed in my own life, and then some. I have a rule, I don’t teach what I don’t know. If I haven’t learned it yet, I leave it to the masters in the subject to teach it. Anything that I talk or write about is tried and true, because I have learned it in the refining fires of healing.

My healing journey has made me who I am. In fact, everything I have healed has turned to steel within me. It has turned into wisdom, understanding and strength. It has turned into love. It has caused me to reach for and find God’s grace, presence and power. And it will do the same for you.

People often fear the process because they believe that they can’t do it. They are afraid that opening up to their inner pain and struggles will open a pandora’s box that they will be unable to shut. They fear perhaps that they won’t come back from it. But none of that is true.

When you walk through your pain and issues through healing, you will not experience the same kind of pain you experienced when you first got wounded. First, you are doing so consciously, and that makes a big difference. When you got wounded your subconscious was in control, which meant your conscious self had none. Second, do you really think that avoiding your issues is keeping you from feeling pain? You feel it every day. It just comes out in less obvious ways. It shows up as addiction, self-hate, codependency, harmful habits, eating disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. You aren’t actually avoiding anything. What you are doing is prolonging it indefinitely.

Once you start the journey, though, you begin to resolve issues, one by one, like the peeling of an onion. And when you resolve an issue, it doesn’t hurt you anymore. Some things get healed simply by learning new life principles, such as those delineated in this resource. For others, we must grieve and confront hidden pain. But none of that is worse than living as is. And you won’t be whole or happy until you do your work.

I want to tell you something from the bottom of my heart: You are so much more than you realize. However you see yourself, and wherever you find yourself today, know that you are always capable of so much more. Even if you are empowered and healed, there is always more. That’s what I love about this journey. There is always more to us than we can realize at any given moment.

Stop telling yourself that anything is too hard. Things will be as hard as you make them. Tell yourself that you can do it. Tell yourself you are worthy of it. Tell yourself you deserve to be happy and are willing to do whatever it takes to get there. Tell yourself you won’t stop until you are living your absolute best life. If you believe you can, and you have the courage to try, you will.

There are some things you will need to bring to the party, though. You will need courage. It takes courage to peel back the layers and to keep at it. You will need determination and tenacity. You will need to get back up many times. Plan for falling. Plan for moments of discouragement. Plan for plenty of mistakes. That way you won’t be surprised.

You will need patience and lots of it. You will need plenty of self-love. You will need to believe in yourself. You will need faith. You will need to trust the process, which will be my next and final principle. And you will get there. I promise you will. I can’t stress it enough; you are so much more than you know. And you are capable of much more than you can imagine. Let that be your mantra. You’ll need it. Own it because it’s true. And the journey will show you that.

If you want to begin this journey, you will have to change your mindsets. You will have to let go of the stinking thinking of the past. Garbage into the brain, garbage out of your life. You will have to take responsibility for your thoughts, because they will either cause you to soar to very high heights or bring you to the depths of despair. Thoughts have the power to do that.

Believe that change is possible. Because it is. And believe that it is possible for you. Personalize the heck out of every single positive quote and mantra that you hear. You are so worthy of this. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you have imagined.” There is no time like the present, so get to it, Skippy.

11. Trust the Process Okay let’s talk about process now because this is one of the biggest hang-ups for people. It was one of my biggest, for sure. First of all, you have to understand that everything in life evolves through a process. Life is a journey with no destination. Every destination, or mountain peak, is just the start of another journey. Change is a gradual thing. In this microwave society, in which everything moves at the speed of light, we aren’t used to a process. We forgot how to have patience. When we don’t answer people right away, they get angry. When we don’t get what we want in seconds, we grow inpatient and feel our time is being wasted. This is technology, but it isn’t real life. Relationships evolve through a process. Change and actualization evolve through a process. Spiritual awakening and understanding evolve through a process. Healing evolves through a process. And, what’s more, these things cannot be hurried. You can force your computer to spit out information in a millisecond, but you cannot force your psyche to resolve an inner conflict overnight. You can’t come to know and love yourself intimately overnight. And you can’t heal your codependency and become empowered overnight either. The expectation that change is a fast thing hurts the process very deeply. In fact, it is probably the number one reason why people abandon their journeys and resign themselves to the status quo. This is all because they have wrong beliefs about what change should look and feel like. For one, it doesn’t always feel good. Often it feels quite crappy. Second, it’s gradual. Notice I didn’t say slow. It’s not slow and it’s not fast. It is what it needs to be. It has its own organic process and timing. And, despite popular belief, it’s perfect. I often use this analogy when I am teaching people about the process of change. Let’s say that I have a drip in my faucet. At first glance it seems inconsequential. Drip. Drip. Drip. Doesn’t seem like much at all. But what happens if I set a bucket underneath it and then go to sleep for the night? The next morning it is either close to full or overflowing. Another example is that of our fingernails and hair. We never actually see them growing, do we? But we sure know they have grown.

So too, we can’t see change while it is taking place. But that doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Change is something that must happen neurologically first. Change is basically a shift in perspective that is evidenced by literal changes in our brain’s networks and structures. We much change our thinking to change our lives. And as we begin to think differently about things, we begin to change our neurological pathways and brain chemistry. This is not a quick work, but it takes place any and every time you think differently about anything.

Thus, while change is gradual, it is also consistent – it is always taking place. And though gradual, those change make a big impact.

In order to change your life drastically, you have to let go of timelines and expectations. Again, it has a flow all its own. You must learn to trust that you are always where you need to be, because you are. You are where you are, and that’s the only place you can be. You may not like it, but you will have to accept it. Also, please note that when we initially start seeing progress, we run the risk of becoming even more impatient. We like how the changes make us feel, thus we get greedy and want more. Well, more will come, but chill.

I have spoken a lot about self-love in this resource. Well, an aspect of self-love is the ability to accept ourselves where we are at any given moment. Can we be in Miami and Chicago at the same time? Nope. Not without psychedelics, anyway. No more can we be emotionally or spiritually elsewhere, so stop trying to be ahead. It’s moot, and it’s a waste of time and energy that can be vitally used elsewhere.

Here’s good news, though: It is in fully embracing where we are that we find the power to transcend it, to move forward and to change. This radical acceptance keeps us in the flow, whereas resistance keeps us out of it. What’s more is that resistance will eventually mean we have to stop and get back into the flow, which we do by accepting our reality. It will not adjust to us; we will always have to align with it. It will wait for us, but it won’t run ahead to meet us.

That’s because we don’t call the shots here. We go along for the ride. And on this ride, we don’t know crap. We are a student. We are learning from the flow. And what we know will always be less than what we don’t know. Therefore, this journey will require humility. We are the student, not the teacher, even if in life we teach the multitudes. In the flow we are just another traveler on the bus.

You have much to learn and a whole lifetime to learn it. Pace yourself. Learn to enjoy it. Relax. There is no hurry. Really. You are in the hands of destiny. If you have woken up and are facing in the right direction, you are where you need to be. If you’re still asleep and clueless, then you are not ready yet, and that’s where you need to be. We all have our timeline, our path and our process. Mine is not better than yours, nor vice versa. They are all unique.

I can’t jump on your path, and you can’t jump on mine. The flow will expel us from inauthentic paths, and we will continue to languish until we realize we are meant to carve out our own road. It’s quite beautiful, isn’t it. It can’t mess up. We can, but it can’t. You can trust it. Jump in headfirst with no reservations. There will be others whose paths at times, or even for a lifetime, merge with ours, but they are still on their journey, and we are on ours.

I hope you have been able to discern from my experiences what a beautiful and powerful journey awaits you too. And I pray that I have encouraged you to want to take the journey. Trust me, you don’t want to miss it. You can’t afford to miss it. It’s why you are here. It’s what your heart has been calling out for, and it awaits you right here, right now. So off you go. Run along now, dear traveler, many adventures await you in the flow.   

Namaste.