Any proper therapist will tell you that rejection and abandonment issues are rampant in our world and affect most of their clients in some way. In fact, most of us suffer, or have suffered, from problems with abandonment and/or rejection at some time in our lives. And for some, the extent to which these issues affect their lives is severe.

              Abandonment and rejection issues are psychological wounds that exist deep in the subconscious of the individual, both at the neurological and energetic levels. Until they are healed through healing and personal growth work, they are wounds that constantly get “reopened.” They get reopened when they are triggered by perceived abandonment or rejection from the external world, usually by other people. Each time abandonment and rejection wounds get opened, they cause extreme psychological pain, causing the individual to spiral emotionally, often out of control.

              The greater the wound, the more the individual will unravel. Some of the symptoms that can manifest as a result are:

• Intense emotional pain
• Depression
• Intense feelings of worthlessness or insecurity
• Catastrophic or negative thoughts about their social or romantic lovability or desirability
• The belief that “everyone always leaves them” or “everyone always rejects them”
• Chasing behaviors in relationships and/or social isolation, depending on the person’s defensive strategies 
• Obsessions about the person that abandoned or rejected them

You, and You Alone, Hold the Power

Abandonment and rejection wounds generally have their origin in painful childhood experiences. They are mostly created by abandonment or rejection that happened in our relationship with one or both of our parents.

Having an absent parent could cause abandonment issues for a child. Similarly, a divorce that caused one parent to be less available for some time or permanently following the divorce could also cause abandonment issues. In addition, a death of a parent or a parent that leaves the child’s life for some reason can also be at the root of abandonment issues.

Rejection issues are caused when parents are emotionally unavailable for their children. When parents are not in tune with or attune to their child’s emotional needs, the child can end up feeling rejected. In addition, when a child attempts to seek comfort from a parent and that parent invalidates or dismisses their needs, rejection issues can ensue.

It is important to note that, even if one parent is emotionally and physically available, the emotional or physical absence or unavailability of the other parent can cause serious issues with abandonment and/or rejection nonetheless. Clearly, having at least one parent that is loving and attune to the child’s needs can lessen the effects of the abandonment or rejection of the other parent, but it won’t prevent it entirely.

Sadly, there are many cases around the world in which neither parent is available to meet the physical and/or emotional needs of the child, which can exacerbate the level of abandonment or rejection exponentially. As abandonment and rejection wounds wreak great havoc in the lives and emotional and mental stability of people, they also cause global instability and systemic problems across the world.

Abandonment and rejection wounds are very similar in how they affect people’s lives, which is why I lump them both together in this article. Usually, people with abandonment issues will also have rejection issues, because abandonment is a form of rejection, while people with rejection issues may not struggle with abandonment at all.

The reason that abandonment and rejection wounds are so painful and destructive once they have been activated, is because at the level of the subconscious mind, abandonment and rejection equate to the person’s perceived level of innate self-worth. This has nothing to do with an individual’s external measure of worth and value derived from accomplishments, appearance, socio-economic status, social acceptance, and the like.

The experience of feeling abandoned or rejected causes people to feel that, at the core of their being, in their very essence, they are unlovable, unworthy, not good enough, and/or not enough period. For this reason, when abandonment or rejection have been triggered, nothing an individual has going for himself or herself on the outside – good looks, intelligence, talent, notoriety, success, wealth – can alleviate the pain of abandonment or rejection. Thus, they spiral down the same emotionally wrought cycle of pain, emotional decompensation, and the need for external validation that anyone else would.   

There is little that hurts as badly as feeling worthless and unlovable. And once the domino effect of abandonment or rejection is set in motion, it is very hard to stop unless the person has already done some healing work on their abandonment or rejection issues. In addition, once they have been triggered, the person invariably goes into a survival-mode-type experience. The only things they can think about are the experience that caused them to feel that way to begin with, the person or people who caused it, and how to make the pain stop. That’s when the rejection cycle sets in.

The rejection cycle is a term that I coined for a very destructive and bizarre function of the subconscious mind that I have seen play out time and time again in the lives of my psychotherapy clients. I too experienced the rejection cycle in my own life and became aware of its ravages in the process of doing my rejection work. And I can tell you firsthand that it can make you feel crazy when you are going through it.

The rejection cycle is a defensive strategy of the subconscious meant to make the pain of abandonment or rejection go away A-S-A-P. Because the wounds of abandonment and rejection are ancient and visceral, the individual begins to unravel experiencing the symptoms I mentioned earlier. This sets their egoic subconscious on high alert, an ardent warning that whatever has caused this pain must be annihilated immediately. Unfortunately, in the unhealed person, it does not look to do this in healthy or adaptive ways.

The first place the subconscious looks to assuage the pain of abandonment or rejection is the last place it should — the person that caused the pain to begin with. Thus, the rejection cycle causes the person to intensely desire the person who has hurt them, which as one can see, is categorically counter intuitive. I believe that at the subconscious level that person is seen as the quickest and easiest way to make the pain stop. In this scenario, the wounder becomes the healer.

When you consider that, a) we often experience abandonment and rejection to begin with because our chooser is broken, i.e., we are too wounded and unhealthy to choose or attract a safe and healthy partner, and b) since most people who reject or abandon people are themselves very unhealthy people, this logic is not only flawed but extremely destructive. We are in essence making unsafe people our saviors. Rejection and abandonment can never be healed in this manner. This process only creates deeper wounds and more extensive issues with rejection and/or abandonment. It also triggers the emotional or physical chasing of people.

Emotional or physical chasing is a by-product of the rejection cycle. The mind becomes obsessed with the person who abandoned or rejected them, needing their love and attention to feel okay. They may seek that person’s attention in unhealthy ways. For example, they may try to manufacture a run-in or show up at their work, or they may call the person incessantly, hoping to talk them into loving them again. They may obsessively stalk their social media pages or post things aimed at getting the person’s attention. In more extreme cases, a person may engage in harassing or stalking behavior, or even resort to violence.  

In fact, whenever a person’s obsession has escalated to a level of danger or violence, you can be sure the rejection cycle is at work. When people get to that level, that usually means that their problems with rejection and/or abandonment are severe, intense, and extremely destructive. It’s one thing when a person’s rejection or abandonment issues cause problems in their own lives, but when they cause harm to others, this takes the problem to another level entirely.

The degree to which the individual physically or emotionally chases the abandoner or rejecter, depends on how deep the abandonment or rejection wounds are for that person. A person who had cruel parents or extensive trauma will obviously struggle greatly with abandonment or rejection, in addition to other psychological problems.

Incidentally, it is possible to have abandonment and rejection wounds despite having good parents and a healthy childhood home environment. For example, getting bullied at school as a child or adolescent, having multiple failed or toxic relationships, having weight issues, or any other issues causing inferiority as children could all cause abandonment or rejection issues.  

              Abandonment and rejection issues must be healed, or they never go away. Unfortunately, time does not heal these wounds. Often, we see people well into adulthood who are greatly susceptible to abandonment or rejection. Again, it doesn’t matter how much they have accomplished, if something or someone triggers their abandonment or rejection, the wound is open, and the cycle begins. In an instant, they can go from a confident person to an insecure, worthless child.

The very fact that these wounds exist makes the person sensitive and highly susceptible to feeling rejected or abandoned in life. Not only that, but due to the law of attraction working in our lives, and the way the brain works, having abandonment or rejection wounds ensures that we will continue to attract similar situations to our lives. Similarly, our brain can cause us to perceive rejection or abandonment where there is none. Thus, the only way to become free from these wounds is to heal them.  

So, how do we heal abandonment and rejection wounds? First, let me reiterate what I have stated in many ways already; abandonment and rejection cannot be healed by our relationships or external experiences. The love, respect, or admiration of others will not heal them. Having your own loving family will not heal them either. Neither can they be healed by external successes or accomplishments. These can give your ego a boost, but herein lies the problem with an ego-based self-identity. In the same way that it gets boosted by experiences that make the person feel good, it gets torn down by experiences that are perceived negatively.

In fact, you are the only one that can heal your abandonment and rejection issues, through unconditional self-love and acceptance. Because rejection and abonnement are rooted in a fear that you are at your core unlovable, unworthy, not good enough, etc., the only thing that will close that wound for good is developing a happy, healthy, and loving relationship with yourself, and by coming to know and own your innate, immeasurable worth – the one that is found inside, not outside.

A closer look at abandonment and rejection wounds reveals two important things: Firstly, they are perceptions of abandonment or rejection, not actual abandonment or rejection. People who are sensitive to abandonment or rejection have old belief systems, or neurological pathways, in their brains that cause them to believe they are unworthy or unlovable, and that people will eventually leave or reject them. They may be dormant at times because the individual is relatively healthy and successful in life, but if, for example, someone doesn’t like them, speaks ill of them, or leaves them, these beliefs will be triggered and the cycle of emotional decompensation will ensue.  

More wounded and dysfunctional individuals may live in a perpetual state of heightened sensitivity to abandonment or rejection, fearing people will leave them, and interpreting experiences with others in negative and unfavorable ways. They may be cynical, paranoid, and extremely judgmental of others. Often, these individuals are very difficult to be in relationship with. And, no doubt, we all know some of them.

A perception, when brought to the conscious level, is simply a choice. It helps us, thus, to realize that if our rejection and abandonment pain is a perception triggered by a belief system, then changing the perception in real time can help. We can choose in the moment to challenge the belief system. Doing so not only helps us release the pain of rejection in the moment and experience it another way, but over time it also heals the brain patterns that get activated when abandonment and rejection are experienced.

The good news is that, once we heal our abandonment and rejection issues, we will no longer experience life’s relationship disappointments and failures as abandonment or rejection. This has been my experience. Rejection was one of my biggest and most painful wounds, and healing rejection in my life constituted some of my deepest healing work. I can honestly say now that I cannot be rejected by people. I am a grown woman. I understand that life happens, that relationships end, and that sometimes people suck.

The only one who has the power to reject me today is me. And that only happens if I personalize a disappointment and perceive it as a personal rejection. Similarly, I cannot be abandoned. Again, I am grown. I have my own home. I own a car. I have a paycheck. I can’t be dropped off at a church door. And, even if I were, I would just catch an Uber and get back home. Grown people cannot be abandoned. Shit happens, guys. It’s not personal; it’s just life.

The second thing that we must know about rejection and abandonment is that they are based on past experiences. Often, those experiences took place in childhood. In therapy with my clients, I always teach people how to look back on the situations that wounded them as children from the perspective of an adult, not a child. Emotional wounds freeze us in the past. This is the basis of inner child work and hypnosis aimed at taking people back to their pasts as adults.

If we continue to view our past from the perspective of a child, we will continue to feel the way children do – helpless and weak. Children are victims. Adults victimize themselves. Thus, when we look at our rejection wounds based on these two facts – one that they are perceptions, and two that they are based on past experiences – we can perceive them differently, changing the way we think, which will subsequently change the emotional and chemical outputs generated by our brains, which will change the behaviors we exhibit when interpersonal disappointments take place.

This is the basis of healing. The ability to consciously change the way we perceive and think about a situation; to respond to triggering stimuli in new, more adaptive ways; and to be able to release the negative energy generated by the experience. Over time, this causes healing of the wound at the neurological and energetic levels, and you will not have to deal with rejection or abandonment again.

I am happy to say that today I am free from rejection and abandonment issues, and it has empowered me greatly. This too can be your experience. The only way, tough, is through developing a deep and abiding self-love. Without it, you won’t develop the emotional and inner infrastructure and strength to offset the triggers. The infrastructure I am referring to is unwavering self-love and self-confidence – the knowledge that you are inherently enough, worthy, and lovable, and that no one on the planet gets to have an opinion on the matter. It is only your opinion of yourself that determines how you will respond the next time a human lets you down, which will, of course, be soon. Are you ready?